One on One

Sometimes I just sit and talk to myself all day long. It is at times the deepest conversations that I have. You see sometimes, other folks only want to go so far up the road and you can usually loose them at the 'cross roads'. The point where you question the answers to things that you never before questioned.

According to Frantz Fanon, who states in his book "BLACK SKIN, WHITE FACE" that "Sometimes people hold a core belief that is very strong. When they are presented with evidence that works against that belief, the new evidence cannot be accepted. It would create a feeling that is extremely uncomfortable, called cognitive dissonance. And because it is so important to protect the core belief, they will rationalize, ignore and even deny anything that doesn't fit in with the core belief."

So, it is alone that I deal with my core beliefs and that is fine with me, because since I was a child, I believed in me and it was only through failed indoctrination that I realize that I have not lived a life in sync but more or less in silence. Now I sit and I talk to myself and amazingly, the power of self that guides me out from the chaos of outside noise is phenomenal. Many can not digest the truth, because they are so busy regurgitating lies. So it makes it difficult to talk to them, so I talk with myself. And it is funny at times, because a part of me, represents a world in which I was born and that motherfucker gets stuck between the rock and the hard place a lot. She appears to still be chained to stupidity, for the po'baby has nursed at the bosom of oppression for too long and like a child, just needs to be weaned.

But there is no need to alienate any part of my being, because to be wholly, I must be whole. There are no voids here, and I can not avoid all of me, when I talk to myself. I thought that I found a way to fit in, but what I was trying to fit into, I could not believe in, therefore I found a way to leave. And when I separated me from the chaos, I found, that within my own life, I am something so sacred, that parts of me wanted to keep it a secret, but just couldn't keep it from my self.

We are taught to "lean not on our own understanding", and from that we have allowed others to dictate and rule our minds. But it is my own understanding that I not only lean on, but that I trust to guide me, to teach me that which I need to know. The things that are pertinent to my life, my love and my experiences. I refuse to focus or to accept that I must wade through shyt, before I am to bathe in the streams of natures goodness. I did that when I was born. You see this is where the term, cognitive dissonance explains to me, what is happening. This is where my ancestor, Frantz Fanon, appears, because the self, knows when I need direction and in comes Frantz to lead me to righteous understanding. In High School though I studied French, now it is Frantz that speaks to me. Pure and Simple.

Dealing with myself, don't get me wrong it aint easy, because there are so "many me" in this here head of mine. But there is divine order and respect, not confusion, for I was once taught that "God dwells not in confusion". Which just led me to another question, if God is everywhere, how is God not in confusion, isn't confusion in itself a state of being? Yeah, now you see what be going on...Up in Here, Up in Here!!!!

Being that I engage with my truest being and my ancestors and have embraced this perfect love I found, I find the treasures of my tomorrow from the lives that I have encountered yesterday, all in this place that we call now and all while talking to myself. Sometimes you have to do it One on One.....